There's something a bit suspect about 'Singles Nights'...

This Valentine's Day, I am 97% likely to be sitting on my sofa, cat on my lap, mother snoring on my shoulder, watching Poirot. Guaranteed, this isn't the most life-affirming way to embrace singledom on the single most patronising night of the year. But I bloody love it. There's something about the combination of a fine moustache, tweed and who-dun-it's* that just presses my buttons...

But that's just me. I realise that for some people, the idea of sitting alone in front of the TV with a bottle of vino getting quietly pissed and 'feeling sorry for themselves' is not the most exciting of options.

So aren't we all lucky that some kind, sympathetic people take it upon themselves to organize 'Singles' Nights'?

I can't think of two words which are more likely to result in the sudden onset of high fever/chronic anxiety/severe epileptic fits. Fancy wildly proffering your personality at the waiting masses - there'll be loads of people like you, with 'so much in common', because, guess what? You're all single. And alone. It's going to be great. Come and clutch at each others desperation and bitterness (which, of course, you all will feel, due to the intrinsically tragic nature of your lonely, lonely existence) with excruciating blind hope; it'll be the time of your life!!!

Now, to be fair, I've never been to a 'Singles' Night'. The reason for this is because they seem wildly paradoxical - in reality, they're not designed as celebrating 'single' life (whatever that is); instead, they're unabashedly trying to transform these 'singles' into people of a more acceptable status - well, that's what they want, really, surely? And there are lots of people out there who want, for many reasons, to find someone to have a relationship with, but let's not disguise our aims - singles nights aren't for singles; they're for wannabe couples.

And that's as it may be, but it leaves a desperate shortage of ways to actually have fun, outside of the 'heterosexual matrix', come February 14th. On an extensive Google search, all of the activities listed for single people were exclusively, without exception, marketed as ways of providing these people with the opportunity to 'find love', or at least a potential relationship. This is admittedly at least partly down to my hasty browsing skills but COME ON NOW.

Here's the few promising ways I have managed to find, which will hopefully mean you'll be able to have fun (without being made to feel like being single is the most pitiful mode of existence) come Feb 14th:

The Gay Village
I know that Baa Bar on Sackville Street is offering an 'Anti-Valentines Day'. I've always thought that 'Anti-Valentines' sounded weirdly militant, but this is night promises alternative rock music in an atmosphere of frivolous fun, with a cheerfully laid-back atmosphere. Annoyingly, there aren't any details on line, but you can visit Baa Bar's website for an idea of what kind of a night you're going to get.

I think that generally speaking, Canal Speak is probably the safe bet for a night out where the 'norm' won't be a load of smug couples.

Revolver @ Roadhouse
At least there won't be any vomit-inducing power ballads. It's usually pretty fun, but be aware that it is student-heavy and so probably not for everyone.

The Comedy Store
Although it's (unsurprisingly) marketed as an event to 'take your loved one' to, it's pretty much guaranteed to not be a pile of saccharin-sweet mushy nonsense. Weirdly, the website doesn't say who's listed, but there's usually a very high standard. Tickets available here.

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That's all I've got for now. Apologies. But you could always do a bar/pub crawl - gather, en mass, in your defiant singledom (I have an inability to write this without wanting to extensively mock myself and everything I stand for. I apologize for describing V-Day as if it's something Mubarak would want to quell), and just have a good time despite the odds. I heartily wish you good luck and all the best. If that fails, may I personally endorse zee duductive magique of Hercule Poirot.

In (somewhat naive) anticipation of a happy Valentines' Day,

Bonne chance!

*Tip from the top: The person 'who-dun-it' is almost unanimously the person who seems like they have the potential to be a 'darned nice chap'. Often found to be in seeming possession of an 'actual soul'. (I feel there's some mastery of philosophical wisdom to be made here, but I've got Gargantua and Pantagruel to read, darlings, no time for such cliched ponderings. Bugger off and cliche yourselves into oblivion, I'll be over here seething after spending £30 on books from the 'Medieval Literature' section of Blackwells. Least-satisfying-purchase-ever.)